Josh Johnson
OK. This is like- this is, like, a contentious thing. So just stick with me for a second. Because it's weird- it's weird that people are weird about it. OK. So my friends are having kids, right? A lot of them are starting to have kids, so they're all having the conversation about if they're going to spank their kids, right?
And people have very strong feelings either way. Some people think, like, oh, if it's rare and it's warranted, then a spanking here and there is not that bad. And then, some people are like, no, this is, like- this is full-on abuse. This is, like, you're creating trauma and everything. And I'm not even telling anybody how to feel. Like, I know that I was spanked when I was a kid. And it made sense that I was spanked, because we were poor.
[LAUGHTER]
Do you understand what I mean? There was nothing to take away.
[LAUGHTER]
You know? Like, there was a year that my mom and I shared a bedroom when I was a little kid. What was she going to take away? The floor?
[LAUGHTER]
Like, rest of the month, you float from now on. And if I catch you not floating, that's your ass, all right? Do you see what I mean? Because I was in a- I was in a very weird position at one point. Because I didn't have much money, but I got a scholarship.
And my family pooled their money together to make the ends meet for me to go to this Catholic school, right? So I was a kid with no money, going to school with kids with real money. Like, money where they don't need to read.
[LAUGHTER]
You know what I'm talking about? You know that proper money that you can't mess up? You know that old money? And so I remember, there was one time we were- we were sitting around the lunch table. And, uh- and this one kid- yeah, I said something about my mom spanking me for something, and we were still in junior high or whatever. So I was talking about a time from before, you know. And then, this other kid was like, oh, don't worry about it. My dad still spanks me, right? And I was like, ooh. Um.
[LAUGHTER]
Tyler, you have a pool. That's abuse.
[LAUGHTER]
I feel like, no matter your- no matter your feelings on spanking, we've all met- we've all met, like, a grown man that deserved to have their ass beat.
[LAUGHTER]
And I think the thing for me- the thing for me is that when- could it have happened earlier?
[LAUGHTER]
And I want to be clear here. I'm not, like, blanketing, cosigning anything. I'm asking questions, genuinely. I'm asking questions, because people are very split on it. You know what I mean? But once again, we've all met a dude who, like- damn.
[LAUGHTER]
He really probably had it coming sooner than today.
[LAUGHTER]
But then, how do you- how do you gauge that, you know? Because I get what some people are saying. Some people are like, look, we're all individuals. So even though you have your kids and your kids have a part of you in them, they're still going to be different people. So then, how do you make sure that this kid doesn't walk away with the worst lesson possible, the worst feeling possible from this thing that worked out for you, but it might not work out for them? That's a scary thing. You know?
Like- OK. I used to- I used to be, like, very nervous about moving to New York, right? I moved to New York years ago. And I remember when I got to Brooklyn, I saw a fight when I got there. And it was a- these were two, kind of, big guys. One guy was, like, medium-sized, bigger than me, and he was muscular. And he looked like he knew how to fight, because he did all the stances.
He knew where to put his shoulders, put his fists. He could kick. He's either trained MMA in boxing, or he's watched all the movies. Like, this guy- this guy really knows how to move, right? And then, the big guy was just a big guy. Like, he was- he was that- you know that type of big where you can't tell if it's fat or muscle? You just know it's in the way. Right? You know he can move things where he wants them to go. Just a big guy. Right? And I don't know- I don't know exactly what they were fighting about, but it felt like one of those fights. It felt like one of those fights where they really wanted to fight their dad.
[LAUGHTER]
Have you ever been- OK, have you ever been in a bar, and then you see a fight brew- you can smell it brewing. And then you're also like, I think if you had, like, punched your dad years ago, none of this would be happening right now. Like, if you had just had one good row with him, this would be a quiet evening, right?
[LAUGHTER]
And, uh, they were going at each other. And some of it was punching. Some of it was kicking. Now, the guy that was, like, on the bigger side and muscular- he really knew his way around. Like, he was even doing the hop of someone who knows how to fight. You know that little light-foot hop where you're like, they're about to get into it. OK. And then, there was one moment- because I walked out of this bar, because I was doing a show, like a bar show with my friends, and then we were all walking out. And we all saw this, like, happening.
It would start on the sidewalk, and it spilled into the street. And basically, he's doing the hops, and he goes for a lunge. He goes for, like, this big punch, right? And when he goes for the big punch, the big dude moves out of the way and grabs his wrist. And they both look at it. They both look at it like- he grabs his wrist and looks at it. And then he looks at it like, uh-oh. And-
[LAUGHTER]
And then- and then, he grabs his wrist, and with his other hand, he grabs the back of the dude's belt. Right? Pulls him forward, knocks the guy, pretty much, off balance, lets go of the wrist, passes the belt to his other hand, lifts him up, and then- spanked him in public. And like-
[LAUGHTER]
I had never seen somebody with a beard get spanked before. Like-
[LAUGHTER]
And he's really, like, floating and everything. And this guy is like, letting him have it, right? Like, one after the other. This dude spanked him so much, he took a break. There was one point where he was holding him suspended in the air by his belt, but also like- whew.
[LAUGHTER]
And then, after, like, the 36th lick, lets go to the belt. Dude drops to the ground. He gets up, and he sort of limps off. A lot of expletives and stuff, but it's kind of done. And this guy goes back into the bar we were just in. Because he wasn't watching the show. The show was in, like, a back room. This guy was just in the bar. And I had no idea, like, what the fight was about. Because, once again, we had already walked out, and it was already happening. But he walked back in, and I'm like- I'm a curious duck. You know what I mean? Like-
[LAUGHTER]
So I go back in after him, and I'm like, hey, man, are you OK? Which is a weird thing to ask him. But- it's like, are you OK? What was all that about? And then, he turns to me and goes- I look like a lot of dudes' dads.
[LAUGHTER]
This dude was, like, 30. And he- and he looked like he could be a dad, right? And so he's like, no, I just look like a lot of dudes' dads. And I was like, wow, how did you find that out? And he was like, oh, yeah. You know, after the fourth or fifth fight-
[LAUGHTER]
-you just start to put things together.
[LAUGHTER]
And he told me. He told me that sometimes he goes to the bar with his friends. And he's like, after a while, I can just tell, some guy starts looking at me. And then, he comes, and he starts jawing at me. And I can tell it's not about me, because it's- I was just sitting here. I wasn't doing anything. And then he wants to fight. And he either swings at me first or he says, let's go outside. But this happens pretty often.
And I was like, wow, are you a dad, though? And he was like, yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
I was like, do you spank your kid?
He was like, oh, no. No, I would never.
[LAUGHTER]
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